Pieces of me………

It’s been years since I last attended a CSSUPM fellowship nite. Last night, they had it again. I don’t really know if it has been a regular event in the chapel (coz I did not hear anything about it), all I can say is that last night was my 1st fellowship nite in 3 years (surprising huh?) The last time I went for 1 was when i think i was in my second year.

Last night they sang a lot of songs and I mean really alot, many of the songs I have not heard for many years, it was like going down the memory lane, the ultimate feeling came when I was invited to go in front togather with the other oldies to sing ‘Aint no Rock’ The memories of Albert, Judith, Asong, Leslie, Lily, MArie Anne, Peter and the rest of the Tapah Gang came back. We sang this song by the rivers of the orang asli kanpung and performed it to the children over there. Gosh that was like years ago but the sweet memories still remains.

As I look back those good old days, I wish that my relationship with those people still remained as sweet as it used to be. Somewhere along the way, our ideologies and our directions changed and the relationship changed it’s flavour. Peter went back to Sarawak, Marie Anne stopped pouring tea for us because she had graduated, Asong is working now…….and the story goes……will we still be as close as we used to be? I don’t really know but what i believe is that everytime with look at those Tapah days photos, I’m sure fond memories of each other will come back……….

As for last night? Well…. I enjoyed myself to a certain extend…….i guess history repeats again, like those good old days, I did not know what I was singing coz some of the song lyrics were foreign to me……hehehe i hope they meant good…..perhaps someday, there will be someone who who explain the meaning of the lyrics to me

There are many times, I wish to express myself fully but then again after thinking twice, i tell myself it’s better that I don’t. As I sit in front of my PC I feel as if I’m living 2 lives. Sometimes, I can’t really be myself because I should by right lead a good example to the people around me. I am a youth, immatured at times, tend to make silly decisions sometimes, still naive, still playful and cheeky…….but then again I can’t behave childishly most of the time because I’m a campus minister and I should lead by example……I can’t really expect others to behave if I don’t behave myself right?

It feels like I have many eyes watching over me, curious cats who wonder whats in my head……..the bad news is that when you are too careful with yourself and your own behaviour, you tend to loose yourself and gosh i really don’t want that to happen to me. I guess sometimes i need to spend more momments in silent and listen to what God tells me and yes to rejuvinate my mind and be my true self again. Wearing a mask is very uncomfortable ain’t it?