Pieces of me………

I watched this movie with great amusement and actually i like the movie.It tells about the devil within us that desires success so much that it causes some people to loose control of their life and the charity that is within them.

I’m happy for people like in Anne Hathaway’s character who find sanity after puting in much thought to what is most important in life. Cheers!

I have been going for pretty much a few exposure visits in different places. Somehow, i had feelings of affection towards my hosts in the exposure sites. When I went to Ulu Lumanak, I told myself i want to visit them again (but of course i knew it would be difficult because the interior of Sarawak is a bit too far and I should be realistic), I went to Tanah Gembur, Tangkak and i told myself that i want to visit my adopted orang asli family again, but until today, i have yet to do so. Few weeks back, I went to Bidor to visit Abri & Tijah’s kampung, i told myself that i want to go back there again.

Today, i checked my email and saw that Suzana from ulu lumanak has emailed me saying that she is now studying in Johor. Her mail brings much joy to my depressing heart. I hope i shall stay in touch with her. I want to visit baby Eric in Tanah Gembur and Abri & TIjah again in Bidor. The anxious feeling in my heart is strong, will i have the courage to go and visit them on my own? I really don’t know, what’s stopping me so much? I’m searching for the courage and the confidence to get things done right….there is so much i want to do and so many hearts i’d love to touch but i fear rejection so much, ….God help me, why am i so unconfident with myself? I feel like a wasted clay…hopeless and useless….

The honest truth is that I’ve been feeling down lately. The house is not as cheerful as it used to be. People are not as friendly as before and I just wonder why. Some individuals…or more of someone have stopped sharing the way they used to…..Why I wonder? Is it just me being overly sensitive, thinking too much? Was it something I said that irritated them? or is it just that particular individual that has chosen to be a little bit anti-social? I really don’t know.

I used to want to care but it has been a challenging task caring for beings who do not respond towards your concern…and so i ask, why should i care? why waste my afforts on something that is non-responsive? I know i have a choice to just ignore that particular being and move on with life but…….i am not going to be happy anyway because it really does hurt to see someone you care who use to be happy and cheerful suddently be someone you can’t communicate with……..owh……..my…….!!!

As much as we enjoy being social beings, there are times when you just want to share some private moments with certain individuals. But then again, sometimes people just don’t understand that you want to take a break and would like to spend private moments with just that someone. Perhaps it is jealousy? Perhaps the fear that you don’t like them anymore? I don’t know.

Personally, I would not feel offended if my friend decides to spend private moments with other friends instead of me. I feel everyone should have the freedom to choose how they want to spend their time and with whom they want to spend it with.Of course sometimes I would feel abit hurt but then again, the hurt is not permenant because I love my friend and i do not own my friend, therefore she / he is not obligated to be committed to me only.

I think people should not get angry with their friends just because they choose to spend their time with others. It would be really selfish for us to control our friends life and force them to always be sensitive towards our feelings and needs only.Forgetting the fact that our friends have other friends to who needs some love and care.

Sigh….I’m just so sad to see that some people just can’t do the things they really like doing because they are afriad that their friends would be hurt if they don’t count them in……….

My heart has been stolen, and I’m so in love. Oh, I do love him and I will continue to still be in love with him, but it is not him that I’m going to talk about here but a twenty one year old little friend who stole my heart away. She might not realize it but I do feel her absence in my life whenever she is not around. She is teaching me how to love even more………of course i mean as a friend….what were you thinking?

Changes in life can either be good or bad. When you are uncertain of what lies ahead and is not very confident with yourself, you dread to face it.

It took me some time before I took courage to move into XHRC. Staying in Serdang for the pass six years had made Serdang my second home. I was very much happy with the family I had over there. My housemates were pleasant, I had many friends, the neighborhood was familiar to me and like it or not, I did have some feelings of affection towards the people in the neighborhood. I delayed moving into this new place because I did not want to loose my comfort zone and all the nice people that I have in my life over back in Serdang.

I feared moving into the new place. I feared the environment, I feared that the students would not like me, I feared that the people in my new neighborhood would not accept me for what I am, I feared criticisms, I feared judgmental eyes, I feared not living up to the expectations of many, what more to take over the responsibilities passed on to me from the previous Warden. What if I was not good enough in the eyes of others?

Today, some of those fears still exist, but I have come to believe that things are not that bad actually. I thought I was not good enough but many new people are coming into my life, convincing me that life in this new place can be great if I allow it to happen. It may sound ironic but what helped me to look forward to life in my new home are actually the students who dwell in this two storey building. I look forward to going back home every evening because of these people. They are full of joy, there’s always laughter in the house and there’s someone who is willing to share. I might not have expressed my happiness or gratitude but it really is nice to have someone to greet you are the door with a cheerful smile each time you come back after a long day at work. It is really nice to have someone taking the trouble to give you the extra attention, or a nice massage just because they care.

They may bite me, laugh and do silly tricks to make me look like a fool at times but I couldn’t care less because I know that it is love that dwells in them and if anything bad were to happen to them, my heart would really ache if I could not help.

………why am I in love with this twenty one year old girl? Cause she is outstandingly lovable! And adorable!