Pieces of me………

Today, something happened. I was disappointed over a situation and my mind was disturbed. I thought I would find peace as I read today’s Gospel but I guess I was wrong. My mind was so focused on the whole situation that the Gospel could not speak to me. Each time I tried to reflect on the Gospel reading, my mind could only relate to the problem that was in my head. I wanted the Gospel to so much relate to my problem that I refused to understand the message of today’s Gospel.

I realized that perhaps this is what has been happening to me in life. Sometimes, I desire and focus too much on certain things that I just ignore and miss out in appreciating other things that life has to offer.

There are sometimes, when I am so in love with a certain individual, things or task that I just neglect the other people, events or even things that are around me. I give myself so wholeheartedly to what I love that I fail to give myself a chance discover and to experience other things that evolve around my life.

I am what I am today is because of my past, the past that has formed me to be what I am today. The values that I hold with me were cultivated from the past but this obsession of mine towards the treasures in my life I am not sure if it is from the past.

I used to be easygoing, open-minded, non-cliquish, and non-possessive but I suspect I’m beginning to be the opposite of what I was. Well, I used to be innocent and naïve that’s why I was free. Today, I am not that naïve and innocent anymore, I have experienced things in life and perhaps I am the opposite of what I was because I am trying to protect myself from experiencing the unpleasant things in life. People say, “The older you get, the wiser you become” well, I fear that’s not what’s happening to me. I am loosing my own freedom to myself…I am scared….but I believe in the song that I sing

With you by my side

When I’m feeling all alone

And I’m far away from home

God I need You to hear me

When my friends all turn away

Then I ache to hear You say

That You are with me through it all

Chorus:

You are the light You’re the song that I’m singing

Whom should I fear when You are with me

For You are my God

And with You that is nothing I can’t do

With You by my side

When I feel all sick inside

With no safe place to hide

God I need You to listen

When it seems I can’t go on

Then I long to hear the song

Reminding that You are my friend

And as I go through my life

I will keep You in my sight

To walk with me and be my strength

God I know Your plan for me

To help all those in need

To You alone I give my life

It’s the birthday season again! I guess this is the finale of our annual triple birthday celebration as this will be the final year I celebrate my birthday as a campus minister. I tried hard not to make it a triple celebration but Fr. Chris and Carol gave my little secret away. Oh well…but nevertheless I’m just happy at how things went in our little triple birthday celebration. It was indeed amusing and fun to organize Fr. Chris and Carol’s birthday with the rest, without them realizing that my birthday was just around the corner too.Finally I was betrayed ….but then again it was fun. So happy Birthday Fr. Chris ( 6th Aug 07) and Carol (7th Aug 07) and myself =)

Fr. Chris n Carol’s Birthday Cake                                 

                    My Birthday Cake                                  My Boss =)       

I watched this movie with great amusement and actually i like the movie.It tells about the devil within us that desires success so much that it causes some people to loose control of their life and the charity that is within them.

I’m happy for people like in Anne Hathaway’s character who find sanity after puting in much thought to what is most important in life. Cheers!

I have been going for pretty much a few exposure visits in different places. Somehow, i had feelings of affection towards my hosts in the exposure sites. When I went to Ulu Lumanak, I told myself i want to visit them again (but of course i knew it would be difficult because the interior of Sarawak is a bit too far and I should be realistic), I went to Tanah Gembur, Tangkak and i told myself that i want to visit my adopted orang asli family again, but until today, i have yet to do so. Few weeks back, I went to Bidor to visit Abri & Tijah’s kampung, i told myself that i want to go back there again.

Today, i checked my email and saw that Suzana from ulu lumanak has emailed me saying that she is now studying in Johor. Her mail brings much joy to my depressing heart. I hope i shall stay in touch with her. I want to visit baby Eric in Tanah Gembur and Abri & TIjah again in Bidor. The anxious feeling in my heart is strong, will i have the courage to go and visit them on my own? I really don’t know, what’s stopping me so much? I’m searching for the courage and the confidence to get things done right….there is so much i want to do and so many hearts i’d love to touch but i fear rejection so much, ….God help me, why am i so unconfident with myself? I feel like a wasted clay…hopeless and useless….

The honest truth is that I’ve been feeling down lately. The house is not as cheerful as it used to be. People are not as friendly as before and I just wonder why. Some individuals…or more of someone have stopped sharing the way they used to…..Why I wonder? Is it just me being overly sensitive, thinking too much? Was it something I said that irritated them? or is it just that particular individual that has chosen to be a little bit anti-social? I really don’t know.

I used to want to care but it has been a challenging task caring for beings who do not respond towards your concern…and so i ask, why should i care? why waste my afforts on something that is non-responsive? I know i have a choice to just ignore that particular being and move on with life but…….i am not going to be happy anyway because it really does hurt to see someone you care who use to be happy and cheerful suddently be someone you can’t communicate with……..owh……..my…….!!!

As much as we enjoy being social beings, there are times when you just want to share some private moments with certain individuals. But then again, sometimes people just don’t understand that you want to take a break and would like to spend private moments with just that someone. Perhaps it is jealousy? Perhaps the fear that you don’t like them anymore? I don’t know.

Personally, I would not feel offended if my friend decides to spend private moments with other friends instead of me. I feel everyone should have the freedom to choose how they want to spend their time and with whom they want to spend it with.Of course sometimes I would feel abit hurt but then again, the hurt is not permenant because I love my friend and i do not own my friend, therefore she / he is not obligated to be committed to me only.

I think people should not get angry with their friends just because they choose to spend their time with others. It would be really selfish for us to control our friends life and force them to always be sensitive towards our feelings and needs only.Forgetting the fact that our friends have other friends to who needs some love and care.

Sigh….I’m just so sad to see that some people just can’t do the things they really like doing because they are afriad that their friends would be hurt if they don’t count them in……….

My heart has been stolen, and I’m so in love. Oh, I do love him and I will continue to still be in love with him, but it is not him that I’m going to talk about here but a twenty one year old little friend who stole my heart away. She might not realize it but I do feel her absence in my life whenever she is not around. She is teaching me how to love even more………of course i mean as a friend….what were you thinking?

Changes in life can either be good or bad. When you are uncertain of what lies ahead and is not very confident with yourself, you dread to face it.

It took me some time before I took courage to move into XHRC. Staying in Serdang for the pass six years had made Serdang my second home. I was very much happy with the family I had over there. My housemates were pleasant, I had many friends, the neighborhood was familiar to me and like it or not, I did have some feelings of affection towards the people in the neighborhood. I delayed moving into this new place because I did not want to loose my comfort zone and all the nice people that I have in my life over back in Serdang.

I feared moving into the new place. I feared the environment, I feared that the students would not like me, I feared that the people in my new neighborhood would not accept me for what I am, I feared criticisms, I feared judgmental eyes, I feared not living up to the expectations of many, what more to take over the responsibilities passed on to me from the previous Warden. What if I was not good enough in the eyes of others?

Today, some of those fears still exist, but I have come to believe that things are not that bad actually. I thought I was not good enough but many new people are coming into my life, convincing me that life in this new place can be great if I allow it to happen. It may sound ironic but what helped me to look forward to life in my new home are actually the students who dwell in this two storey building. I look forward to going back home every evening because of these people. They are full of joy, there’s always laughter in the house and there’s someone who is willing to share. I might not have expressed my happiness or gratitude but it really is nice to have someone to greet you are the door with a cheerful smile each time you come back after a long day at work. It is really nice to have someone taking the trouble to give you the extra attention, or a nice massage just because they care.

They may bite me, laugh and do silly tricks to make me look like a fool at times but I couldn’t care less because I know that it is love that dwells in them and if anything bad were to happen to them, my heart would really ache if I could not help.

………why am I in love with this twenty one year old girl? Cause she is outstandingly lovable! And adorable!

"Happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have." 

Society doesn’t gear us to want what we have. Otherwise, we wouldn’t buy the new and improved version. We are made to feel as though we need something different to be happy, something better.

Are there better wives out there than mine?  Maybe. Even if there were and I had her, would there then be a better one than that one?  Probably.

There is always something better, fancier, faster, more powerful, and more expensive.  Always.  If not now, it’s coming. Computer programs keep us waiting for an upgrade. An upgrade supposedly fixes all of the current bugs. Often, the upgrade introduces new bugs.

We are in a constant state of trying to get something better and
different.  We are often trying to be someone different, even
when the current us is pretty decent.
If you are not happy being you, then who else can you be?

I neither want to nor have the ability to trade places with anyone.  I am happy with myself.  With all life’s faults, with all of my faults and my continuing struggle to improve, I am happy.

There are a lot of others who have more stuff.  But there aren’t many who are happier with the stuff they do have. That’s the key.  Are you happy with the stuff that you do have? Are you happy with yourself?

You are you and that ain’t going to change.

An old proverb says:

"Be what you is, not what you ain’t,
’cause when you is what you ain’t,
then you ain’t what you is."

~A MountainWings Original~